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July 29, 2004


This entry was originally posted on my old blog.

From the keynote speech of the Samocratic National Convention, Day 3

It's all about CHOICES, people! This morning I woke up! I got ready for work! I showered! I shaved! I went to pack my lunch! I CHOSE [dramatic pause] to pack a can of soup to microwave in the kitchen at work! [cheers] CHICKY SCHNOODLE! [cheers] BUT! All the bowls in my house were dirty! SOUP WAS NOT AN OPTION! What did I do? Did I cry? [crowd: NO!] Did I curse fate? [crowd: NO!] Did I firebomb the sink in an effort to make the bowls pay for being dirty? [crowd: NO!] NO!!! I didn't! Do you know why? Because THIS! IS! AMERICA!!! [raucous cheers] I CHOSE [dramatic pause] to make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches! [cheers] TWO of 'em! [cheers get louder] That's what makes America great! [cheers continue to increase in volume] CHOICE! I tell you all here tonight, [Kennedy voice] I! AM! AN AMERICAN!!! [pandemonium in the gallery] When faced with adversity, we as Americans CHOOSE [dramatic pause, chaos all around] another path in accordance with the laws of a civilized society! [The crowd, aslather in patriotic fervor, run out of the convention hall, down the street, and invade Denny'stm, where they all order Grand Slams and coffee. Not like they NEED the coffee, but it's all about the choice, neh?] God bless peanut butter, God bless jelly, God bless chicky schnoodle, and GOD BLESS AMERICA! [No reaction whatsoever, since everyone's at Denny'stm]

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