Choices

This entry was originally posted on my old blog.

From the keynote speech of the Samocratic National Convention, Day 3

It's all about CHOICES, people! This morning I woke up! I got ready for work! I showered! I shaved! I went to pack my lunch! I CHOSE [dramatic pause] to pack a can of soup to microwave in the kitchen at work! [cheers] CHICKY SCHNOODLE! [cheers] BUT! All the bowls in my house were dirty! SOUP WAS NOT AN OPTION! What did I do? Did I cry? [crowd: NO!] Did I curse fate? [crowd: NO!] Did I firebomb the sink in an effort to make the bowls pay for being dirty? [crowd: NO!] NO!!! I didn't! Do you know why? Because THIS! IS! AMERICA!!! [raucous cheers] I CHOSE [dramatic pause] to make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches! [cheers] TWO of 'em! [cheers get louder] That's what makes America great! [cheers continue to increase in volume] CHOICE! I tell you all here tonight, [Kennedy voice] I! AM! AN AMERICAN!!! [pandemonium in the gallery] When faced with adversity, we as Americans CHOOSE [dramatic pause, chaos all around] another path in accordance with the laws of a civilized society! [The crowd, aslather in patriotic fervor, run out of the convention hall, down the street, and invade Denny's^tm, where they all order Grand Slams and coffee. Not like they NEED the coffee, but it's all about the choice, neh?] God bless peanut butter, God bless jelly, God bless chicky schnoodle, and GOD BLESS AMERICA! [No reaction whatsoever, since everyone's at Denny's^tm]